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 The Rewrite Called "Shadow-shaper"

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How is the first chapter
Great!
0%
 0% [ 0 ]
Good.
100%
 100% [ 3 ]
Needs some work.
0%
 0% [ 0 ]
Bad.
0%
 0% [ 0 ]
Terrible!
0%
 0% [ 0 ]
Total Votes : 3
 

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Zahrah
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PostSubject: The Rewrite Called "Shadow-shaper"   Sat Jun 27, 2009 2:35 am

Prologue

It was a dark and stormy night. The wind blew wildly and shrieked shrilly. A lone dragon pushed her way through the wind, fleeing from a hunter known as a shadow-shaper who was sent to kill her. As she was flying, her wings buckled and she let out a loud roar. She fell from the sky, her sight blurring and blood flying from both her shoulders and sides. When she hit the ground, she released another loud roar of pain.

Her body quivered for a moment and then relaxed. She closed her eyes and continued laying there until she heard noises. Her eyes snapped open and she wiggled onto her belly to protect herself. She stared cautiously at the thing and worried that the hunter was able to keep up with her.

In a few quick steps, it was in front of her and touching her maw. It's hands were warm and very soft, so she figured it was some kind of person just like the hunter. The person walked to her side and touched each of her wounds. She had no strength to growl and snorted instead. She felt an itch for a second and it was gone as fast as she felt it. The person came up to her head again and spoke in the ancient language of the elves, "Maer Pandryl." 'Sleep dragon.'

He began to sing soon after and his voice echoed off the trees around the clearing. His voice was beautiful and she couldn't help listening. As he finished singing, the world seemed to fall asleep, along with the dragon. The elf became tired as well and wandered back into the shelter of the forest, leaving the dragon to sleep in peace.

End


I edited some of this while I was typing it because I found some mistakes.

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Last edited by Dragon_Ruler on Fri Jul 03, 2009 10:50 pm; edited 8 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: The Rewrite Called "Shadow-shaper"   Sat Jun 27, 2009 3:01 am

It's really well written, but I would like to hear a little bit more of the chase... it seemed to only touch on the action. But I really like the description of he elf's song.
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PostSubject: Re: The Rewrite Called "Shadow-shaper"   Sat Jun 27, 2009 3:08 am

bubblegumflavorlover wrote:
It's really well written, but I would like to hear a little bit more of the chase... it seemed to only touch on the action. But I really like the description of he elf's song.

It'll be explained later on in the story, but I can't say much about it until I get finished with it and that will take quite a while because I tend to put it off.

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PostSubject: Re: The Rewrite Called "Shadow-shaper"   Sat Jun 27, 2009 6:59 am

It was a dark and stormy night. (Why does nothing ever happen on a twilit, calm night?) The wind blew wildly and whistled shrilly.(Nice adjective use, personally I'd have gone with screamed or shrieked) A long dragon punched(sp, E:Oh ok) her way through the wind, fleeing from a hunter known as a shadow-shaper(his mom calls him Dave ) who was sent to kill her.(good imagery with punched, perhaps a actual name for the baddie and shift Shadow-Shaper to his(or is it her?) title like Damian Darborough the Shadow-Shaper) As she was flying, her wings stiffened and she let out a loud roar.(buckled or seized up could also be used) She fell from the sky, her sight blurring and blood flying from both her (throw in a couple colors maybe) shoulders and sides. When she hit the ground, she released another loud roar of pain.

Overall pretty good(you even used a cold open), though like any writing edit after edit is quite necessary (unless you just want to do it for fun) and you use a -lot- of pronouns, perhaps mix up the she, she, she with a name or dragon/creature/beast etc. Just so you know, none of my commentary is meant to be mean, if I didn't care at all I would have spent some time critiquing the start of your prologue. Also, a quick question, where are you pulling the elvish from?

Edit: I voted 'needs some work' because of this -|^|- and even after multiple chapter edits and finishing a book authors still have to edit a few more times, so you have a good bit of work ahead of you even if this is to be just a short story.

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Last edited by PureLocke on Sat Jun 27, 2009 5:38 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Response for user directly after me.)
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PostSubject: Re: The Rewrite Called "Shadow-shaper"   Sat Jun 27, 2009 2:25 pm

I continuously edit this. There is no names in this part seeing as they'll be mentioned in the first chapter. The puched thing was an accident because I was typing fast and hit c instead of s. I am actually changing a part in the beginning with the wind. I will change the stiffened to buckled. Any colors are mentioned in the first chapter. Like I said earlier in this post, names come in the first chapter because the beginning is meant to be like this for my style of writing.

[Edit] I'd like to know the reason why you voted a certain way please so I know what to work on.

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Last edited by Dragon_Ruler on Sat Jun 27, 2009 2:56 pm; edited 2 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: The Rewrite Called "Shadow-shaper"   Sun Jun 28, 2009 1:28 am

Please cancel original votes and vote again for this chapter. The prologue has been edited.


Chapter 1 - To Live Another Day

The dragon woke around noon and stood to stretch, then noticed that her sides and shoulders weren't sore from the night before. She examined her sides and found no trace of the wounds and that her fire colored scales were back where they were supposed to be. She lifted her head , spread her wings, and roared to skies, happy to be alive.

There was a rustling of leaves behind her. She turned around as quick as a snake could strike and her blue and green eyes met gray-ish eyes. It was a male elf with the same body shape as the person that helped her. He slowly bowed and spoke in a quiet, yet audible, common language, "Good morning friend. I see your wounds have healed perfectly."

The dragon lowered her head, as if bowing, and spoke proudly, "Good morning brother elf. They have healed wonderfully thanks to you. I owe you my life."

The elf ran his fingers through his golden hair and shook his head, "No. I just did what should be done for all who need help."

There was more rustling all around the field. Elves were coming out of hiding. For a moment, they stood there staring and then all went to one knee, kneeling before the dragon. This confused her, "Why do you all bow? Stand, stand!"

She laughed and lowered herself onto her belly. The elf chuckled and spoke, "My name is Lahnik. I am, of course, the one who healed your wounds."

"I am grateful," said the dragon. "I am Gwinalisk. I would be pleased to have you as my temporary rider and if you would join the fight against the shadow-shapers with your kin."

Lahnik bowed and slowly began to speak again, "I would gladly be your rider and join you in your fight with my people."

Every elf, except one, cheered and nodded as Gwinalisk looked around. The one that caught her attention was a young elven girl with eyes that faded from orange to yellow and auburn hair. The girl stared at the dragon as if she made a decision that would only turn into disaster. Gwinalisk tilted her head at this and slowly moved towards the girl. It seemed as if she wanted to say something about Lahnik. Without taking her eyes off the girl's, she spoke to all elves, "I think someone has something to say. Shia mai kos ol oli? Vaeri saer iar." 'Why so grim young one? Please tell us.'

She moved towards Gwinalisk slowly and spoke with a soft, audible voice, "Ai eis si oli shaei caelaer o, byr sar aer. Sar aer iaraer ti shia talodelarol tia madyrn." 'I am the one who helped you, not that elf. That elf used me by manipulating my shadow.'

"Oh?" said Gwinalisk, turning towards Lahnik. She lowered her head and spoke again, "Is this true Lahnik?"

Lahnik chuckled and spoke, hatred being revealed with every word he spoke, "It is not true. Fuilosse is young and does not know that she lies. I am-"

Fuilosse had stepped forward and slapped Lahnik across the face, "Ai mi shar o eisi eil o tae byr jhai sai sor pandryl. O tae byr shael os or shor saes!" 'I see what you are and you may not lie to this dragon. You may not break our oath with them!'

Lahnik growled deep in his throat, "So you see what I am? I don't believe you."

"I can prove it," she said, finally using the common language. "You are a shadow-shaper who doesn't know what wood elves look like! You are taller than every male here, your hair is blonde while ours is either auburn or a brown, your eyes are plain gray while ours are two colors that fade into each other, and you dress like a human!"

Lahnik smirked and chuckled, "So you can see what I am. What an astute power. I knew you were the right person to use. When I found you wandering in the forest, I knew you would be an easy target. You are very courageous to stand up against me."

"I stand up to you because I know what is right and wrong!" she yelled, her anger rising with everything he said. "What you are doing is wrong and you should be punished for it. Lying to a dragon and using me and my kin for selfish reason is a crime!"

Lahnik laughed and took her chin in his thumb and index finger, "And who is going to punish me? You?! Hah! Don't make me laugh!"

Fuilosse smacked his arm down and away from her face, "Yes. Do not underestimate me!"

She raised her hand over his head and brought it down hard, "Jhaeli sor thysm! Os vyrdaes shor byr shi eilalardi thys o sai iari thys si vaer os si pae! Ai myrn o tia vyrdae!" 'Leave this form! Your powers will not be available for you to use for the rest of the day! I show you my power!'

Lahnik grabbed her arm and tried to push it away, but the spell she had just casted had already started working. He went cross-eyed and his skin began to melt away, turning into shadow when it hit the ground. As soon as his whole body was a shadow again, he cursed and disappeared into the trees. Fuilosses then fell forward, her body limp and her eyes closed. She had fainted after using almost all of her energy. Two elves came forward, one picking Fuilosse up and carrying her to the hidden village and the other talking to Gwinalisk.

"Lady dragon," said the young boy who had eyes that blended from blue to green and dark brown hair. He was also a little taller than Fuilosse and had the look of a well-trained swordsman.

Gwinalisk tilted her head, "Yes?"

"I apologize for all the things that have happened today. Is there anything we can do to help you?"

Gwinalisk nodded and rested her head on her foreclaws, "Take care of that girl and have her come back here so I can speak to her. Also, I need to rest as much as she does, so I don't mind waiting."

The boy nodded and bowed, "That can be done. Thank you for listening to her. She is one of the strongest magicians in our village."

"You are very welcome," said Gwinalisk with somewhat of a smile. "There is one thing I want to ask you. What is your name?"

"I am Narmegil," said the boy. "I am a reincarnation of the strongest pyro in elven history. I am destined to use the great lord's armor, weapon, and abilities."

Gwinalisk stood and bowed, "It is an honor to meet you Narmegil. I want you to be here with Fuilosses when she wakes. It is a very confidential thing so do not tell anyone else. You will never know when a shadow-shaper is wandering around. I need to get some rest now or I will not be awake when you get back here. Goodnight Lord of Fire."

Narmegil smiled and bowed as Gwinalisk lay down and went to sleep, "Goodnight Gwinalisk."

End

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PostSubject: Re: The Rewrite Called "Shadow-shaper"   Sun Jun 28, 2009 7:58 am

Pretty good, the most bothersome thing for me though is that Narmegil refers to his school of magic as pyro. I would think that elves favor more elegant titles for magic and specific offshoots for example fire/flame-weaver, earth-shaker, air-bender(Laughing), etc. Also, what kind of "fiery?" I can think of numerous colors and patterns that could be described as such.
Edit:
Dragon_Ruler wrote:

He didn't get the powers a normal elf would get because the original pyro was a different type of elf and when I put fiery, I meant like fire.
Magma Elf? Smile
I didn't have any problem with fiery itself it is just that I can think of any combination of black, red, orange, yellow, blue and white to be a flame based color(from lowest to highest temperature). Such as a deep-red/maroon dragon with a dark orange belly and black edged scales/accents or on the flipside a brilliant blue dragon white tipped scales/horns and a pale yellow belly. I just tend to really enjoy description which is why Tolkien, Asimov, and other more 'dry' fiction is such a draw for me. As for Narmegil, I suppose that he could be called the Grand, Lord of the, Great, Arch-(insert flame user name here) I just don't think elves would be keen to use a "inferior" human made language like Latin. On that, is your version of elvish based on anything or are you just making it up as you go? my grasp of secondary languages is limited but I also used a translator and couldn't find anything. Also, don't feel a need to change this to what I suggest, I just point out parts that don't make sense to me or seem a bit clunky as well as the usual spelling and grammar, an explaination tossed into the section in question is just fine.

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PostSubject: Re: The Rewrite Called "Shadow-shaper"   Sun Jun 28, 2009 3:15 pm

PureLocke wrote:
Pretty good, the most bothersome thing for me though is that Narmegil refers to his school of magic as pyro. I would think that elves favor more elegant titles for magic and specific offshoots for example fire/flame-weaver, earth-shaker, air-bender( Laughing ), etc. Also, what kind of "fiery?" I can think of numerous colors and patterns that could be described as such.

He didn't get the powers a normal elf would get because the original pyro was a different type of elf and when I put fiery, I meant like fire. Me being sort of a pyro, I love fire-type things and I end up mixing that in with what I write. I can edit and change it to fire colored if it sounds better to you.

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PostSubject: Re: The Rewrite Called "Shadow-shaper"   Thu Jul 09, 2009 2:30 am

So any idea when the next part of the chapter is due?

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PostSubject: Re: The Rewrite Called "Shadow-shaper"   Thu Jul 09, 2009 4:37 am

I'm a little slow with writing because I've been busy lately. I need to rewrite and edit the second chapter before I post it and I need to finish with chapter 3 before I do that so I have both ready to post when I can.

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